Thank the Lord for Facebook. Otherwise I’d have to call 674 people every day to tell them I just went to the gym.

The alternative to a vacation is to stay home and tip every third person you see.

I exercised once but found that I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous!

Which came first: the chicken or the various things that taste like chicken?

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need   … not all this, “How did you get in my house?” business!