I thought the dryer was making my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

– unknown

My stomach is FLAT (the L is silent).

– unknown

An antique is something that has been useless for so long it’s still in pretty good condition.

– unknown

I’m finally old enough to do anything I want. But I’m too tired now to actually do it.

– unknown

“I leave my house a mess so when friends visit, they go home feeling better about their own housekeeping skills. I’m just that good of a friend.”

– unknown