Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming WOW!  What a Ride!

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now on I’m concentrating on getting taller.

The reason members of congress try so hard to get re-elected is they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.